Facebook: The Official Referee for Relationships?

Subtitle: This blog will discuss a growing trend that your relationship "isn't official until it's on Facebook" and whether this has any merit.

I was driving home from the gym the other day when a caller was aired on 92.3 NOW saying this: "My friend told me that my relationship with my boyfriend wasn't official because it wasn't on Facebook." And of course, this sparked a lengthy debate all across the tri-state arguing whether this was actually true or not. There were so many callers that wanted to ring in on this debate that it became clear that this is obviously a hot topic. People feel very strongly about this. So it made me think: is Facebook the new relationship referee?

I took to my own Facebook page to see what people thought of this notion and let me tell you, I had my own debate to referee because the truth is, it is a subject that so many people can not only relate to but have experienced personally. The comments I received were mixed; here is a sample of some of the responses. Which one do you agree with?

"Depends of the person, I don't think Facebook makes ur relationship official, just exposes the fact u r in one to the people u r not that close with that wouldn't know u r in one without Facebook, besides there's a lot of guys that don't have Facebook to do the whole in a relationship with thing"

So this response disagrees with the post but ackowledges the fact that Facebook does play a part in relationships, to communicate with people you are not so close with that you are in a relationship. My response would be: why do they need to know?

Next:

"no doubt. You need to announce that on FB. Same goes for breaking up to. lol so stupid"

This one says Facebook is important to solidify not only that you are in a relationship but also when your current one is over. Interesting.

The Next:

"While I agree that it is a little ridiculous that it has come down to that, it's been my experience that the guys that have a problem with "acknowledging" their relationship on facebook or who aren't FB "friends" with their girlfriend have something to hide, whatever it may be. They will of course come up with reasons for it, like why it's "dumb" because FB doesn't mean anything. If it doesn't mean much then why do you care if people know you're with that person?! You should be proud!"

Of all the responses I received, I personally agree with this one most, but then again, I'm a hopeless romantic in a high-tech digital world. But the notion here is that the reason Facebook relationship statuses have become so important is because of Facebook itself! It's well documented that Facebook has increased the temptation and therefore the act of cheating because it is so easy to flirt and find previous flames behind your current lover's back. But if you show in your profile that you are "in a relationship" then you can't use Facebook to creep. I also agree with this because you should be proud to show off your partner! I have to say that when I started my current relationship, I couldn't WAIT to change my relationship status on Facebook; I wanted the whole world to know that I was with this person and that I was happy.

Then I got a link to the following video, which was the perfect move to add some levity to a serious debate. Thanks Naz!

"It's official on Facebook, it's official in my book, you may now kiss the bride."

Then I got the first official "I don't agree post" with the following:

"TOTALLY don't agree... there can be many reasons why people want to keep their personal lives just that "personal" (I know folks who are married (and talk about being married on FB) but don't "share"... I even know folks who don't even contact their "other" or talk about them on FB.. yet they are still TOTALLY with them (aka married w kids)... I, for example am job hunting... employers may look at FB. I don't need any "entanglements". i also don't want anything mushy or unprofessional... the other is very basic- personal privacy.it's your right.. .Just bc you talk to your server at a restaurant doesn't mean he/she needs to know your relationship status.. it's a matter of personal preference.. honestly there is nothing wrong with it but no NEED for FB to dictate fully describe your personal life. (BTW i have done both...)"

This response has many valid points, and frankly, a well said argument for the other side. Some people want their personal life to remain personal and there is nothing wrong with that! As long as this (ie: professional or desire for privacy) is the reason for shunning the Facebook status and not foul play then I can't disagree. It comes down to a personal preference.

And the rebuttal which brought the discussion to a close:

"I agree that it is strange if someone doesn't acknowledge a personal relationship on Facebook (more specifically a marriage)... If some is married to you offline why would you not acknowledge that in your online life. While dating relationships all can range in seriousness or commitment levels (and someone may not want to be "in a relationship" on FB).. .marriage is a legal bond. If you can't acknowledge that online...then something is off."

And with that I am once again in agreement for Pro Facebook on relationship statuses.

I purposely posted these responses because I think it is important to understand that this is a real world topic of dispute and issues like these are surrounding us on a daily basis. While some have their arguments against technology and prefer an old-fashioned basis of communication, the idea is that technology is going to get even more advanced and new issues surrounding our every day lives, including dating and relationships, are going to face new challenges. When I was a young teenager, the relationship phenomenon was chatting online. Remember going into chat rooms and typing "A/S/L"? Or having an argument with your boyfriend via IM (Instant Message)? The real question is: how can we utilize the given technologies to bring us closer instead of tearing us apart?

I, for one, am an advocate for the Facebook "in a relationship status." I knew my last serious relationship was over when my ex changed his status to "single" after a late night dispute, I knew a summer romance was not a real, committed relationship because he would not pledge his allegiance to me, on Facebook or in real life, and I knew my current relationship was real deal Holyfield when we made it "official on Facebook." I am proud to show the world that I am with him and continue to confirm that by posting pictures of us together, statuses which include what "we" are doing and friending his friends. The ironic thing is: while Facebook is an "online network" that some people scoff at, there are so many ways in which we can show our affection and commitment to someone on the site, sometimes in ways that are bigger and more important than face-to-face actions. Be proud to show the world your significant other, I know I am.

The Ex-Files: Strange Encounters of Former Flames

Subtitle: This blog will discuss the notion of "ex's" getting back in touch with you via various technological outlets and what should you do when this happens.

It never fails. You think things are going well with someone you are dating, there are hints that this other person actually likes you too and you begin to think that you two could actually forge a romantic relationship together and then the bomb: he or she stops calling, stops texting, stops all communication. If I didn't know better, I would think that person had fallen off of a cliff or been hit with a deadly case of salmonella. But that is rarely (if ever) the case. And then, like clockwork, months later you will get a random text message or phone call at 2 am. You rub your eyes to see who is calling and have a moment of "am I still sleeping?" when you see the name scrawled across your mobile device. Am I the only one who thinks, "what the hell is this person thinking?!"

While there may be legitimate cases when the "former flame " (who we will dub FF) had good reason for completely cutting off communication for what seems like no apparent reason, the majority of the cases are not such. While I remain baffled at the excuses for these occurrences, one thing never fails: they will always get back in touch with you. And for the most part, it's when you least expect it.

As I've eluded to in previous entries, the wide availability of communication technologies has aided our ability to "stay in touch," and as a consequence, to "get back in touch." FF's fall into the latter category. Before, when you thought about your ex, what could you do: write a letter, stop by their house, or call their house. But now, FF's have so many tools at their disposal that it takes little effort at all to contact a previous love interest. The two most common methods currently are Facebook and Text messages. Let's be honest. A phone call is too commitment oriented: if the person you are trying to reach actually picks up the phone, then you have to talk to them. And who knows for how long, catching up on all the latest in your daily lives including your new-found vow to never eat beef or his "I've become a gym rat" rant. Sounds like fun. But with a text or Facebook message, the FF can communicate the fact that they are interested in "talking" again but if you don't write back, no big deal. It's pretty much saying, "let me text this girl, maybe that will get me back in," as apposed to, "I really want to talk to this girl, I've missed her and want her back in my life." The message communicated is completely different.

So what do you do when a FF contacts you out of the blue? The first and most important thing is to evaluate your situation. If you take a look at where you are now post-FF, you can decide whether or not you even want to cross that bridge again. Let's say since then, you have found the most wonderful man and you are in a committed relationship, the last thing you want to do is lose that person over a FF who doesn't even have the cojones to tell you straight up "this isn't going anywhere" and instead becomes mute. So your choice in type of response and the tone of that message is going to differ from someone who say, might still have feelings for the FF. Now let's say you are part of the latter group. You really didn't know what happened to cause the disappearance, you were growing strong feelings for them and wished the relationship had developed, then I would say analyze the context of the communication and take it from there. If he sends you a text message at 2 am saying, "come over and snuggle" after not talking for months, I would tell them to get lost. But if they send you a message during the day (or sober hours as I like to call them) saying, "I've really missed you and would love to get together for coffee one day," well, there might be something to talk about. It all depends on what your expected outcome of the situation is as to how you should respond, if at all.

I had my own encounter of a FF recently. As you all know, I am now a TMF (taken mobile female) and I couldn't be happier. So when I received the 2 am "drunk text" from a FF, you can be sure my priority was clear and was communicated as such through my messages. He said he missed me and was sorry he had screwed up, and even back-handedly asked me to come see him at that ungodly hour of the night. So my response back was simple but firm: "I have a boyfriend now." He sent one more message, I didn't respond and that was the end of that. My message was clear: I am not interested in you or your communication.

Why am I telling you this? I see so many people, guys and girls, that even though they are in a committed relationship and vow that they are happy, that would entertain such a conversation. My question to them is: why? If you are happily together with someone else, then why do you care whether an FF is sorry, and really liked you and wants to talk NOW even though before they did not? And time after time, you hear about relationships ending because of talking with ex or as simply as entertaining the conversation, because what that shows is that you are not over that person or are not completely happy with your new partner. I say: have conviction. Know what you want and what you don't, and don't be afraid to tell others just that. You don't want to lose something you love because you're afraid to stand up to someone that you USE to have feelings for.

My advice to you is this: follow your heart. And most of all: be smart. You have to remember that with all of the options out there, FF's have so many ways to get back in touch with you, and sometimes (in my opinion) it's too easy. Sometimes it's nice to catch up and see how someone is doing, especially if that someone was an important part of your life. But if they disappeared with no valid reason why, then I believe they need to do some work before gaining access back into your heart. Don't automatically "buzz them up" just because they ring your bell, if you know what I mean... In the world of technology overkill, it is now up to us to analyze our communications more deeply to get to the true value and meaning. Because let's face it, while no one likes to be on the losing end of an MIA lover, you certainly don't want to be the "drunk dial recipient" at 2 am.

Quality over Quantity: A Communication Lesson

Subtitle: There are so many communication resources available to us which aid in connecting us to people in our lives, but does this replace or substitute for quality communication? In this blog, I will debate the quality over quantity issue as it relates to romantic communication.

Quality over quantity: I can't tell you how many times I've used this saying in my life. It seems to fit in every situation I can think of. Cake. Travel. Romance. And yes, Communication. We've all been there: sitting across from someone on a first date, wondering when the conversation is going to improve or become stimulating at the very least. And then you finally get to the end and do a silent cheer in your head because it seems like a victory of sorts that you actually made it through. I've often left those dates thinking to myself, "how can someone be such a poor communicator and bring nothing to this table (literally!)" (I also leave craving a bottle of wine, but that's usually aided by my desire to drink away the last hour and a half and cuddle up with my dog who, believe it or not, is a much better communicator than some of these men). Dating in the 21st century is hard enough with the advent of cell phones, email and online dating, but who would have guessed that one of the most important factors in finding a mate is one that stands the test of time: communication.

Recently, a friend of mine called me venting about his "woman problems" and divulged the fact that he was thinking of calling it quits. It wasn't the distance between them (2 hours away), it wasn't the physical attributes of their relationship, it was the lack of meaningful conversation. And it got me thinking: even with so many technologies that help us stay in touch with a romantic partner, is it still possible that some people are simply not quality communicators? And if that is the case, how does one go through their life and not desire connectivity with a partner on a deeper level than baseball and the weather? For me, that's a deal breaker!

As I am transitioning from SMF (single mobile female) to TMF (taken mobile female), there are certain attributes in my mate that have become extremely important, if not imperative. And meaningful conversation is one of them. I don't care if it's a conversation over cell phone, email, Facebook, or text messages, I just need to feel connected to that person in a way that is continuously stimulating and meaningful. And don't get me wrong, we do talk about sports, Fantasy Football and going out drinking, but that is not ALL we talk about. We discuss our situation, where we stand, where we want to go and common goals and interests we have in life. These topics certainly don't monopolize our conversations, but we do talk about them, openly and honestly. Being able to share these innermost feelings and emotions with my romantic partner is the glue that keeps it together and frankly, what keeps me coming back for more.

So I make the case for you lovers out there: communicate with your partner in a meaningful way. Make an effort to be a part of not only their exterior lives but their interior thoughts as well. And this goes for yourself too; be interesting. Have something compelling and interesting to talk about. Bring up an interesting article that you read or question your partner on their stance of a political change that is on the horizon. Whatever you do, just make sure you are communicating first with quality, then with quantity.

Mobile Amour: The Cell Phone Deviation

Subtitle: This blog post will discuss the addition of cell phones into modern culture and how this has affected dating for the current generation.

I remember when I was in high school, all I wanted was a cell phone. This was around the time when cell phones were becoming affordable but they had in no way penetrated the market in a substantial way. But the idea of being able to get in touch with anyone at any time, there was nothing I wanted more. Finally, when I was a senior, my mom put me on her cell phone plan and my dream had come true: mobile communication. Her reason for getting it for me was that I was driving and that if I ever had an emergency with my car I would need to get in touch immediately. But my idea for the mobile phone was completely different. It wasn't long before my high school boyfriend and I had used our cell phones to keep in touch on an hourly basis, be it through phone calls or text messages.

This anecdote is one that rings true for many people in my generation. And it really has changed the way we connect with our peers, be it friendship or romance. I can personally say I couldn't even imagine my life without my cell phone, although writing this post makes me think about how my romantic life would be different without one. I am currently single, and perhaps that is when single females feel most appreciative of their cell phones. In addition to staying in touch with romantic prospects, more importantly I am constantly in touch with my other "single mobile females (SMF)" which keeps my social life on its toes and makes me feel like I don't "need" a man to be content since I have my ladies to make me smile and send me sweet nothings on a daily basis. According to the Marketing Charts, the Cell Phone is the Single Females' New Best Friend. “The cell phone is an integral part of the SMF’s life, serving as a pocket-size detective, matchmaker, wing-woman and beyond. It is now officially a girl’s best friend,” said Randy Smith, VP of channel marketing for Samsung. (You can check out this and other cell phone related studies at the following link: http://www.marketingcharts.com/interactive/cell-phone-is-single-females-new-best-friend-877/)

When it comes to romance, the advent of the mobile phone has brought courting and the sustainability of relationships to a whole new level. As I eluded to in a previous blog post, mobile communication has brought the element of immediacy. Boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses of all kinds now have instant connection to their lover at any time of the day. But does this make a relationship stronger? Or has it made us more dependent on another person in our daily life? Maybe it has made people feel more connected to their sweetheart emotionally because they know what their significant other is doing throughout the day. In this way, it has also added to the notion of the long distance relationship, because even though two lovers may be hundreds of miles away, they can feel like they sharing their lives together in a different way through text messages, phone calls, videos and pictures shared instantly.

Whether cell phones make relationships more or less successful is still out to the jury. But at the very least, it allows two people to stay in touch in a way that was never possible before. And as a hopeless romantic and a "SMF" I can only hope this will ring true for myself one day.

Facebook: The Ultimate Relationship Killer?

Subtitle: This article will explore how social networks such as Facebook either hurt or help dating and relationships. I will explore how Facebook has played an important part in causing "drama" in relationships and also the ways such networking sites have brought lovers together.

When I googled "Facebook and relationships" in order to research for this weeks blog topic, I was shocked at the number of articles that came up in relation to these 2 search terms. There is clearly an overwhelming outcry in the world on how Facebook can interfere in relationships and dating. But yet, it doesn't stop people from going on Facebook. So I pose the question: how does Facebook help or hurt relationships and the dating process?

In order to conduct proprietary research for this topic, I posted a Facebook status (oh, the irony) that asked the same question above: how does Facebook help or hurt relationships and dating? And Why? Within 5 minutes, I had 7 comments to this status with people offering their opinion, some more vehemently than others. The number 1 complaint amongst users is that Facebook hurts relationships and dating because it is a "drama starter." Basically people feel that arguments or problems can be started as a result of actions or communications that are made through Facebook. One example that was shared with me was a boyfriend was using the social network to stay in touch with ex-girlfriends. On the surface, not such a crime, but he did so behind her back because since it was through Facebook, rather the cell phone or email, he thought that it would be more secure and private. This immediately made me do some research because it made me think, is this a problem that many people are experiencing? And sure enough, it is. I came across the perfect article as it connects to past lovers and social networking titled, "Past Loves and Facebook." You can read the article here: http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=29039&cn=289. Author of the article, Elisha Goldstein, Ph. D, said, "In my own practice I've heard people finding past loves on Facebook who are currently in committed relationships and some of them begin a flirting/emotional relationship, and some don't. But one thing is clear; in some way, it inevitably gets in the way of the original physical relationship that is not in cyberspace." Personally, I think Facebook and cyberspace in general makes the ease of access to old flames the dangerous characteristic. Before all of these social networking sites, you might wonder what an old flame was doing but without directly communicating with them through a phone call or email, it stayed "a wonder". But now with these sites, it's so EASY to find anyone and to find out what they are doing, where they are and how they are doing, all with a few keystrokes.

Another reason given as to why Facebook is a "drama starter" is that people tend to read more into status posts than the writer intended, so leading to unnecessary and childish arguments. So in this way, Facebook can cause disagreements where there really isn't a disagreement.

But there were also many positive remarks! I spoke to a friend a few weeks ago while posing such questions to friends at a house party, and Dan supplied me with a great example of why Facebook is actually a good thing when it comes to dating. He told me that he recently had secured a date with an old classmate through Facebook. He said the social site helped in 2 ways: 1. He wouldn't have been able to reach her if he had not found her on Facebook because it had been many years since they went to school together. 2. He was able to invite her to coffee through Facebook itself, which he would not have been able to do since he did not have her cell phone number. Another great example was provided by Kelly when the central question above was posed to my own Facebook community. She said, "It helps! My boyfriend and I initially got to know each other through Facebook chat (after meeting in person). I think it was less "scary" to talk that way than in person when first feeling each other out. We were able to easily show each other pictures of our families and friends, and show our families and friends who the other person is." One last example, provided by Jim, who supports the notion that Facebook can actually help dating and relationships, "You can meet new people and have relationships online where you may not get the opportunity to meet them in person."

It is obvious that the question of Facebook as a variable in relationships and dating is one that provokes extensive emotion and debate. So what does it all boil down to? Wendy provided a great outlook to describe how Facebook helps or hurts dating in the following description: "I think it depends on the level of trust you have in your relationship. If you trust your partner, then there should be no worries about what or who she/he is talking about. If the trust is shaky then that opens up all the "who is she talking to on Facebook," "what does that status update really mean" kind of stuff." What a surprise, it boils down to trust. And at the end of the day, whether it is Facebook, Myspace, cell phones or any other new technology that aides in immediate and extensive communication, the basic foundation to any good relationship is trust. In today's world, there may be exponentially new ways to reach anyone and communicate with them, but the primary building block of trust and confidence in your partner is still the secret to success in relationships.

I leave you with some further reading, with an article titled "5 Ways to keep Myspace and Facebook from Ruining Your Relationship." (http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1369897/5_ways_to_keep_myspace_and_facebook.html?cat=41) This is good reading for those that think Facebook is a a cause for drama and in general good reading for all of us who frequent the social networking world (I included). You can read about each way more in depth through the link above but here are the 5 ways to keep Myspace and Facebook from Ruining YOUR relationship:

1. Set Up Ground Rules

2. Limit your Log Ins

3. Don't Take Advantage

4. Talk Before You Post

5. Weigh Your Options

Happy social networking!