When I googled "Facebook and relationships" in order to research for this weeks blog topic, I was shocked at the number of articles that came up in relation to these 2 search terms. There is clearly an overwhelming outcry in the world on how Facebook can interfere in relationships and dating. But yet, it doesn't stop people from going on Facebook. So I pose the question: how does Facebook help or hurt relationships and the dating process?
In order to conduct proprietary research for this topic, I posted a Facebook status (oh, the irony) that asked the same question above: how does Facebook help or hurt relationships and dating? And Why? Within 5 minutes, I had 7 comments to this status with people offering their opinion, some more vehemently than others. The number 1 complaint amongst users is that Facebook hurts relationships and dating because it is a "drama starter." Basically people feel that arguments or problems can be started as a result of actions or communications that are made through Facebook. One example that was shared with me was a boyfriend was using the social network to stay in touch with ex-girlfriends. On the surface, not such a crime, but he did so behind her back because since it was through Facebook, rather the cell phone or email, he thought that it would be more secure and private. This immediately made me do some research because it made me think, is this a problem that many people are experiencing? And sure enough, it is. I came across the perfect article as it connects to past lovers and social networking titled, "Past Loves and Facebook." You can read the article here: http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=29039&cn=289. Author of the article, Elisha Goldstein, Ph. D, said, "In my own practice I've heard people finding past loves on Facebook who are currently in committed relationships and some of them begin a flirting/emotional relationship, and some don't. But one thing is clear; in some way, it inevitably gets in the way of the original physical relationship that is not in cyberspace." Personally, I think Facebook and cyberspace in general makes the ease of access to old flames the dangerous characteristic. Before all of these social networking sites, you might wonder what an old flame was doing but without directly communicating with them through a phone call or email, it stayed "a wonder". But now with these sites, it's so EASY to find anyone and to find out what they are doing, where they are and how they are doing, all with a few keystrokes.
Another reason given as to why Facebook is a "drama starter" is that people tend to read more into status posts than the writer intended, so leading to unnecessary and childish arguments. So in this way, Facebook can cause disagreements where there really isn't a disagreement.
But there were also many positive remarks! I spoke to a friend a few weeks ago while posing such questions to friends at a house party, and Dan supplied me with a great example of why Facebook is actually a good thing when it comes to dating. He told me that he recently had secured a date with an old classmate through Facebook. He said the social site helped in 2 ways: 1. He wouldn't have been able to reach her if he had not found her on Facebook because it had been many years since they went to school together. 2. He was able to invite her to coffee through Facebook itself, which he would not have been able to do since he did not have her cell phone number. Another great example was provided by Kelly when the central question above was posed to my own Facebook community. She said, "It helps! My boyfriend and I initially got to know each other through Facebook chat (after meeting in person). I think it was less "scary" to talk that way than in person when first feeling each other out. We were able to easily show each other pictures of our families and friends, and show our families and friends who the other person is." One last example, provided by Jim, who supports the notion that Facebook can actually help dating and relationships, "You can meet new people and have relationships online where you may not get the opportunity to meet them in person."
It is obvious that the question of Facebook as a variable in relationships and dating is one that provokes extensive emotion and debate. So what does it all boil down to? Wendy provided a great outlook to describe how Facebook helps or hurts dating in the following description: "I think it depends on the level of trust you have in your relationship. If you trust your partner, then there should be no worries about what or who she/he is talking about. If the trust is shaky then that opens up all the "who is she talking to on Facebook," "what does that status update really mean" kind of stuff." What a surprise, it boils down to trust. And at the end of the day, whether it is Facebook, Myspace, cell phones or any other new technology that aides in immediate and extensive communication, the basic foundation to any good relationship is trust. In today's world, there may be exponentially new ways to reach anyone and communicate with them, but the primary building block of trust and confidence in your partner is still the secret to success in relationships.
I leave you with some further reading, with an article titled "5 Ways to keep Myspace and Facebook from Ruining Your Relationship." (http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1369897/5_ways_to_keep_myspace_and_facebook.html?cat=41) This is good reading for those that think Facebook is a a cause for drama and in general good reading for all of us who frequent the social networking world (I included). You can read about each way more in depth through the link above but here are the 5 ways to keep Myspace and Facebook from Ruining YOUR relationship:
1. Set Up Ground Rules
2. Limit your Log Ins
3. Don't Take Advantage
4. Talk Before You Post
5. Weigh Your Options
Happy social networking!
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