Adventures of the Lost Art: The Forgotten Culture of the Written Note

A few weeks ago in our Mediated Communication class, the question was posed: “Has technology affected our relationships?” And after a lengthy discussion within our group, we came to the conclusion that yes, technology has indeed affected our relationships, sometimes good and sometimes bad. While our discussion was riveting, there was an interesting point that was brought up in the everyday graduate student banter that got me thinking: with all of the available modes of communication, some of the ways we use to communicate are replaced with new models. But maybe what we have lost are some valuable and personal ways of connecting, such as exchanging the written note.

Remember passing notes in school? Writing notes to your friends at camp or receiving notes in the mail? The joy of finding a handwritten status update in your mailbox or a folded piece of loose-leaf stuck in your locker cracks was the highlight of the day. I was a big note passer. My girlfriends and I had our own notebook that we would pass around in each other’s lockers, perfectly coordinating our placements to coincide with scheduling locations. Now if we want to send our friends or family a “note,” we send a text message or write on their Facebook wall. And while I love getting these messages, especially for the instant news updates and connectivity, I still appreciate a handwritten note from time to time. I like opening a card and finding a personal message at the bottom, it shows that person didn’t buy the card minutes before, quickly scribble their name on the bottom and seal the envelope. Or waking up and finding a post-it note on the cork board or a quick drawing from my boyfriend. I know it’s silly but every time I pass by the note, I smile.

I take it a step further and mail things to my friends a few times throughout the year. Sometimes it’s a card for a special occasion or printed pictures from a special trip or a night out. It doesn’t cost me more than a dollar or two including the envelope and stamp and the picture in my head of the smile on their face while opening the piece of mail is priceless.

I am not making a case that the written note is magically going to come back and make a relevant push back into our lives. I don’t expect my post office box to be overflowing with colored pictures and post cards in the next few days. But the next time you are writing out a greeting card, just think about how a few special words can make your entire message more meaningful.

Facebook: The Official Referee for Relationships?

Subtitle: This blog will discuss a growing trend that your relationship "isn't official until it's on Facebook" and whether this has any merit.

I was driving home from the gym the other day when a caller was aired on 92.3 NOW saying this: "My friend told me that my relationship with my boyfriend wasn't official because it wasn't on Facebook." And of course, this sparked a lengthy debate all across the tri-state arguing whether this was actually true or not. There were so many callers that wanted to ring in on this debate that it became clear that this is obviously a hot topic. People feel very strongly about this. So it made me think: is Facebook the new relationship referee?

I took to my own Facebook page to see what people thought of this notion and let me tell you, I had my own debate to referee because the truth is, it is a subject that so many people can not only relate to but have experienced personally. The comments I received were mixed; here is a sample of some of the responses. Which one do you agree with?

"Depends of the person, I don't think Facebook makes ur relationship official, just exposes the fact u r in one to the people u r not that close with that wouldn't know u r in one without Facebook, besides there's a lot of guys that don't have Facebook to do the whole in a relationship with thing"

So this response disagrees with the post but ackowledges the fact that Facebook does play a part in relationships, to communicate with people you are not so close with that you are in a relationship. My response would be: why do they need to know?

Next:

"no doubt. You need to announce that on FB. Same goes for breaking up to. lol so stupid"

This one says Facebook is important to solidify not only that you are in a relationship but also when your current one is over. Interesting.

The Next:

"While I agree that it is a little ridiculous that it has come down to that, it's been my experience that the guys that have a problem with "acknowledging" their relationship on facebook or who aren't FB "friends" with their girlfriend have something to hide, whatever it may be. They will of course come up with reasons for it, like why it's "dumb" because FB doesn't mean anything. If it doesn't mean much then why do you care if people know you're with that person?! You should be proud!"

Of all the responses I received, I personally agree with this one most, but then again, I'm a hopeless romantic in a high-tech digital world. But the notion here is that the reason Facebook relationship statuses have become so important is because of Facebook itself! It's well documented that Facebook has increased the temptation and therefore the act of cheating because it is so easy to flirt and find previous flames behind your current lover's back. But if you show in your profile that you are "in a relationship" then you can't use Facebook to creep. I also agree with this because you should be proud to show off your partner! I have to say that when I started my current relationship, I couldn't WAIT to change my relationship status on Facebook; I wanted the whole world to know that I was with this person and that I was happy.

Then I got a link to the following video, which was the perfect move to add some levity to a serious debate. Thanks Naz!

"It's official on Facebook, it's official in my book, you may now kiss the bride."

Then I got the first official "I don't agree post" with the following:

"TOTALLY don't agree... there can be many reasons why people want to keep their personal lives just that "personal" (I know folks who are married (and talk about being married on FB) but don't "share"... I even know folks who don't even contact their "other" or talk about them on FB.. yet they are still TOTALLY with them (aka married w kids)... I, for example am job hunting... employers may look at FB. I don't need any "entanglements". i also don't want anything mushy or unprofessional... the other is very basic- personal privacy.it's your right.. .Just bc you talk to your server at a restaurant doesn't mean he/she needs to know your relationship status.. it's a matter of personal preference.. honestly there is nothing wrong with it but no NEED for FB to dictate fully describe your personal life. (BTW i have done both...)"

This response has many valid points, and frankly, a well said argument for the other side. Some people want their personal life to remain personal and there is nothing wrong with that! As long as this (ie: professional or desire for privacy) is the reason for shunning the Facebook status and not foul play then I can't disagree. It comes down to a personal preference.

And the rebuttal which brought the discussion to a close:

"I agree that it is strange if someone doesn't acknowledge a personal relationship on Facebook (more specifically a marriage)... If some is married to you offline why would you not acknowledge that in your online life. While dating relationships all can range in seriousness or commitment levels (and someone may not want to be "in a relationship" on FB).. .marriage is a legal bond. If you can't acknowledge that online...then something is off."

And with that I am once again in agreement for Pro Facebook on relationship statuses.

I purposely posted these responses because I think it is important to understand that this is a real world topic of dispute and issues like these are surrounding us on a daily basis. While some have their arguments against technology and prefer an old-fashioned basis of communication, the idea is that technology is going to get even more advanced and new issues surrounding our every day lives, including dating and relationships, are going to face new challenges. When I was a young teenager, the relationship phenomenon was chatting online. Remember going into chat rooms and typing "A/S/L"? Or having an argument with your boyfriend via IM (Instant Message)? The real question is: how can we utilize the given technologies to bring us closer instead of tearing us apart?

I, for one, am an advocate for the Facebook "in a relationship status." I knew my last serious relationship was over when my ex changed his status to "single" after a late night dispute, I knew a summer romance was not a real, committed relationship because he would not pledge his allegiance to me, on Facebook or in real life, and I knew my current relationship was real deal Holyfield when we made it "official on Facebook." I am proud to show the world that I am with him and continue to confirm that by posting pictures of us together, statuses which include what "we" are doing and friending his friends. The ironic thing is: while Facebook is an "online network" that some people scoff at, there are so many ways in which we can show our affection and commitment to someone on the site, sometimes in ways that are bigger and more important than face-to-face actions. Be proud to show the world your significant other, I know I am.

The Ex-Files: Strange Encounters of Former Flames

Subtitle: This blog will discuss the notion of "ex's" getting back in touch with you via various technological outlets and what should you do when this happens.

It never fails. You think things are going well with someone you are dating, there are hints that this other person actually likes you too and you begin to think that you two could actually forge a romantic relationship together and then the bomb: he or she stops calling, stops texting, stops all communication. If I didn't know better, I would think that person had fallen off of a cliff or been hit with a deadly case of salmonella. But that is rarely (if ever) the case. And then, like clockwork, months later you will get a random text message or phone call at 2 am. You rub your eyes to see who is calling and have a moment of "am I still sleeping?" when you see the name scrawled across your mobile device. Am I the only one who thinks, "what the hell is this person thinking?!"

While there may be legitimate cases when the "former flame " (who we will dub FF) had good reason for completely cutting off communication for what seems like no apparent reason, the majority of the cases are not such. While I remain baffled at the excuses for these occurrences, one thing never fails: they will always get back in touch with you. And for the most part, it's when you least expect it.

As I've eluded to in previous entries, the wide availability of communication technologies has aided our ability to "stay in touch," and as a consequence, to "get back in touch." FF's fall into the latter category. Before, when you thought about your ex, what could you do: write a letter, stop by their house, or call their house. But now, FF's have so many tools at their disposal that it takes little effort at all to contact a previous love interest. The two most common methods currently are Facebook and Text messages. Let's be honest. A phone call is too commitment oriented: if the person you are trying to reach actually picks up the phone, then you have to talk to them. And who knows for how long, catching up on all the latest in your daily lives including your new-found vow to never eat beef or his "I've become a gym rat" rant. Sounds like fun. But with a text or Facebook message, the FF can communicate the fact that they are interested in "talking" again but if you don't write back, no big deal. It's pretty much saying, "let me text this girl, maybe that will get me back in," as apposed to, "I really want to talk to this girl, I've missed her and want her back in my life." The message communicated is completely different.

So what do you do when a FF contacts you out of the blue? The first and most important thing is to evaluate your situation. If you take a look at where you are now post-FF, you can decide whether or not you even want to cross that bridge again. Let's say since then, you have found the most wonderful man and you are in a committed relationship, the last thing you want to do is lose that person over a FF who doesn't even have the cojones to tell you straight up "this isn't going anywhere" and instead becomes mute. So your choice in type of response and the tone of that message is going to differ from someone who say, might still have feelings for the FF. Now let's say you are part of the latter group. You really didn't know what happened to cause the disappearance, you were growing strong feelings for them and wished the relationship had developed, then I would say analyze the context of the communication and take it from there. If he sends you a text message at 2 am saying, "come over and snuggle" after not talking for months, I would tell them to get lost. But if they send you a message during the day (or sober hours as I like to call them) saying, "I've really missed you and would love to get together for coffee one day," well, there might be something to talk about. It all depends on what your expected outcome of the situation is as to how you should respond, if at all.

I had my own encounter of a FF recently. As you all know, I am now a TMF (taken mobile female) and I couldn't be happier. So when I received the 2 am "drunk text" from a FF, you can be sure my priority was clear and was communicated as such through my messages. He said he missed me and was sorry he had screwed up, and even back-handedly asked me to come see him at that ungodly hour of the night. So my response back was simple but firm: "I have a boyfriend now." He sent one more message, I didn't respond and that was the end of that. My message was clear: I am not interested in you or your communication.

Why am I telling you this? I see so many people, guys and girls, that even though they are in a committed relationship and vow that they are happy, that would entertain such a conversation. My question to them is: why? If you are happily together with someone else, then why do you care whether an FF is sorry, and really liked you and wants to talk NOW even though before they did not? And time after time, you hear about relationships ending because of talking with ex or as simply as entertaining the conversation, because what that shows is that you are not over that person or are not completely happy with your new partner. I say: have conviction. Know what you want and what you don't, and don't be afraid to tell others just that. You don't want to lose something you love because you're afraid to stand up to someone that you USE to have feelings for.

My advice to you is this: follow your heart. And most of all: be smart. You have to remember that with all of the options out there, FF's have so many ways to get back in touch with you, and sometimes (in my opinion) it's too easy. Sometimes it's nice to catch up and see how someone is doing, especially if that someone was an important part of your life. But if they disappeared with no valid reason why, then I believe they need to do some work before gaining access back into your heart. Don't automatically "buzz them up" just because they ring your bell, if you know what I mean... In the world of technology overkill, it is now up to us to analyze our communications more deeply to get to the true value and meaning. Because let's face it, while no one likes to be on the losing end of an MIA lover, you certainly don't want to be the "drunk dial recipient" at 2 am.