Mobile Amour: The Cell Phone Deviation

Subtitle: This blog post will discuss the addition of cell phones into modern culture and how this has affected dating for the current generation.

I remember when I was in high school, all I wanted was a cell phone. This was around the time when cell phones were becoming affordable but they had in no way penetrated the market in a substantial way. But the idea of being able to get in touch with anyone at any time, there was nothing I wanted more. Finally, when I was a senior, my mom put me on her cell phone plan and my dream had come true: mobile communication. Her reason for getting it for me was that I was driving and that if I ever had an emergency with my car I would need to get in touch immediately. But my idea for the mobile phone was completely different. It wasn't long before my high school boyfriend and I had used our cell phones to keep in touch on an hourly basis, be it through phone calls or text messages.

This anecdote is one that rings true for many people in my generation. And it really has changed the way we connect with our peers, be it friendship or romance. I can personally say I couldn't even imagine my life without my cell phone, although writing this post makes me think about how my romantic life would be different without one. I am currently single, and perhaps that is when single females feel most appreciative of their cell phones. In addition to staying in touch with romantic prospects, more importantly I am constantly in touch with my other "single mobile females (SMF)" which keeps my social life on its toes and makes me feel like I don't "need" a man to be content since I have my ladies to make me smile and send me sweet nothings on a daily basis. According to the Marketing Charts, the Cell Phone is the Single Females' New Best Friend. “The cell phone is an integral part of the SMF’s life, serving as a pocket-size detective, matchmaker, wing-woman and beyond. It is now officially a girl’s best friend,” said Randy Smith, VP of channel marketing for Samsung. (You can check out this and other cell phone related studies at the following link: http://www.marketingcharts.com/interactive/cell-phone-is-single-females-new-best-friend-877/)

When it comes to romance, the advent of the mobile phone has brought courting and the sustainability of relationships to a whole new level. As I eluded to in a previous blog post, mobile communication has brought the element of immediacy. Boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses of all kinds now have instant connection to their lover at any time of the day. But does this make a relationship stronger? Or has it made us more dependent on another person in our daily life? Maybe it has made people feel more connected to their sweetheart emotionally because they know what their significant other is doing throughout the day. In this way, it has also added to the notion of the long distance relationship, because even though two lovers may be hundreds of miles away, they can feel like they sharing their lives together in a different way through text messages, phone calls, videos and pictures shared instantly.

Whether cell phones make relationships more or less successful is still out to the jury. But at the very least, it allows two people to stay in touch in a way that was never possible before. And as a hopeless romantic and a "SMF" I can only hope this will ring true for myself one day.

Facebook: The Ultimate Relationship Killer?

Subtitle: This article will explore how social networks such as Facebook either hurt or help dating and relationships. I will explore how Facebook has played an important part in causing "drama" in relationships and also the ways such networking sites have brought lovers together.

When I googled "Facebook and relationships" in order to research for this weeks blog topic, I was shocked at the number of articles that came up in relation to these 2 search terms. There is clearly an overwhelming outcry in the world on how Facebook can interfere in relationships and dating. But yet, it doesn't stop people from going on Facebook. So I pose the question: how does Facebook help or hurt relationships and the dating process?

In order to conduct proprietary research for this topic, I posted a Facebook status (oh, the irony) that asked the same question above: how does Facebook help or hurt relationships and dating? And Why? Within 5 minutes, I had 7 comments to this status with people offering their opinion, some more vehemently than others. The number 1 complaint amongst users is that Facebook hurts relationships and dating because it is a "drama starter." Basically people feel that arguments or problems can be started as a result of actions or communications that are made through Facebook. One example that was shared with me was a boyfriend was using the social network to stay in touch with ex-girlfriends. On the surface, not such a crime, but he did so behind her back because since it was through Facebook, rather the cell phone or email, he thought that it would be more secure and private. This immediately made me do some research because it made me think, is this a problem that many people are experiencing? And sure enough, it is. I came across the perfect article as it connects to past lovers and social networking titled, "Past Loves and Facebook." You can read the article here: http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=29039&cn=289. Author of the article, Elisha Goldstein, Ph. D, said, "In my own practice I've heard people finding past loves on Facebook who are currently in committed relationships and some of them begin a flirting/emotional relationship, and some don't. But one thing is clear; in some way, it inevitably gets in the way of the original physical relationship that is not in cyberspace." Personally, I think Facebook and cyberspace in general makes the ease of access to old flames the dangerous characteristic. Before all of these social networking sites, you might wonder what an old flame was doing but without directly communicating with them through a phone call or email, it stayed "a wonder". But now with these sites, it's so EASY to find anyone and to find out what they are doing, where they are and how they are doing, all with a few keystrokes.

Another reason given as to why Facebook is a "drama starter" is that people tend to read more into status posts than the writer intended, so leading to unnecessary and childish arguments. So in this way, Facebook can cause disagreements where there really isn't a disagreement.

But there were also many positive remarks! I spoke to a friend a few weeks ago while posing such questions to friends at a house party, and Dan supplied me with a great example of why Facebook is actually a good thing when it comes to dating. He told me that he recently had secured a date with an old classmate through Facebook. He said the social site helped in 2 ways: 1. He wouldn't have been able to reach her if he had not found her on Facebook because it had been many years since they went to school together. 2. He was able to invite her to coffee through Facebook itself, which he would not have been able to do since he did not have her cell phone number. Another great example was provided by Kelly when the central question above was posed to my own Facebook community. She said, "It helps! My boyfriend and I initially got to know each other through Facebook chat (after meeting in person). I think it was less "scary" to talk that way than in person when first feeling each other out. We were able to easily show each other pictures of our families and friends, and show our families and friends who the other person is." One last example, provided by Jim, who supports the notion that Facebook can actually help dating and relationships, "You can meet new people and have relationships online where you may not get the opportunity to meet them in person."

It is obvious that the question of Facebook as a variable in relationships and dating is one that provokes extensive emotion and debate. So what does it all boil down to? Wendy provided a great outlook to describe how Facebook helps or hurts dating in the following description: "I think it depends on the level of trust you have in your relationship. If you trust your partner, then there should be no worries about what or who she/he is talking about. If the trust is shaky then that opens up all the "who is she talking to on Facebook," "what does that status update really mean" kind of stuff." What a surprise, it boils down to trust. And at the end of the day, whether it is Facebook, Myspace, cell phones or any other new technology that aides in immediate and extensive communication, the basic foundation to any good relationship is trust. In today's world, there may be exponentially new ways to reach anyone and communicate with them, but the primary building block of trust and confidence in your partner is still the secret to success in relationships.

I leave you with some further reading, with an article titled "5 Ways to keep Myspace and Facebook from Ruining Your Relationship." (http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1369897/5_ways_to_keep_myspace_and_facebook.html?cat=41) This is good reading for those that think Facebook is a a cause for drama and in general good reading for all of us who frequent the social networking world (I included). You can read about each way more in depth through the link above but here are the 5 ways to keep Myspace and Facebook from Ruining YOUR relationship:

1. Set Up Ground Rules

2. Limit your Log Ins

3. Don't Take Advantage

4. Talk Before You Post

5. Weigh Your Options

Happy social networking!

Short-Form Romance: Text Messaging and its Role in Current Dating Culture

Subtitle: This blog post will discuss how text messaging is used in today's dating culture and the benefits and drawbacks of using this form of communication as it relates to courting.

Text messaging has widely become one of the most utilized forms of communication in today’s technologically advanced world. And this fares no differently for the dating scene. But how appropriate is it to express your affection for someone in 120 characters or less? This is a topic that I am personally conflicted about. I have to admit: I am an avid texter. It’s not that I don’t like phone calls, but I find text messages so quick and efficient. When you are on the phone with someone, it is hard to do anything else without being completely obvious that you are not paying attention to them and only them. With text messaging, I can have multiple conversations running at a time and still be doing other things like working, writing emails, or even doing the laundry. But in my own dating adventures, I still find myself saying, “I wish he would actually pick up the phone and call me,” because there is something unique about hearing someone’s voice, their laugh, or their jokes that just can’t be replaced with a short-form scribe.

As a topic that not only interests me but perplexes me on a daily basis, I decided to poll some friends to see what their opinions were on text messages as it relates to dating. Sean, 27, brought up a really great point when he said, “Text message has created immediacy. I can contact my person of interest at any time during the day.” In this way, texting has created an on-going conversation with a potential mate, spouse or loved one that keeps the pair in touch all day long. We no longer have to wait for a phone call to see what the other is doing; we can send a quick text message to update the other on our status. I can concur that this is a nice touch; I love getting those mid-afternoon text messages that say, “How is your day going?” It’s nice to know that someone is thinking about me and is interested in knowing how I am fairing with life that day.

It would be fair to say that texting is an important part of the communication tools that one has to utilize on a daily basis, so much so there is almost an “alternate language” that has been created. Jeff, 30, said, “Texting has become such a dominant form of communication that we even invented emoticons to emulate facial expressions to express inner feelings.” The emoticons he refers to are the “:-)” symbols to express smiling or happy, “:-(“ to express sad or disappointed, etc. It really is incredible the things that humans have come up with in order to connect to other human beings, to express emotion even if they are not face to face. Further, Jeff noted that, “Text messaging brings out peoples’ characteristics that normally they may be too shy to show, in a way taking away insecurities. Text messaging takes away the element of communication apprehension.” In this way, people are able to “be more like themselves” without the fear of messing up a phone conversation with awkward moments.

Text messaging has quickly become a favorite form of communication for people, even when it comes to dating. Whatever their reason is, it has become an accepted “norm” in our courting culture. However, there are some boundaries that I personally think should be followed, which are summed up nicely in this article titled, “Dating Tips 101: Text Messaging in Relationships” which you can read here: http://www.examiner.com/sex-and-dating-in-phoenix/dating-tips-101-text-messaging-relationships

But even I, who vows to love text messaging for the ease and convenience of it, am a walking contradiction when it comes to dating and texting. What about the fact that it’s easier to hide things through text messages? Or the uneasy feeling I have of getting to know someone through characters versus actually hearing their voice and sharing a joke together over the phone? Call me old fashioned, but even in this technologically advanced world, nothing replaces the sound of that special someone’s voice that makes me grin from ear to ear.

Technology Bridging the Relationship Gap for Many Devoted Lovers

Subtitle: This entry will explore the way new technologies have helped long distance relationships survive the test of time and the expansive divide between lovers.

Long distance relationships: do they work? For many couples, they do work and these 3 words embody their romantic situation. According to a recent article on Forbes.com titled "Love Tech Goes Long Distance" (http://www.forbes.com/2008/02/06/love-gadgets-valentine-tech-lovebiz08-cx_ag_0206distance.html), "The most recent U.S. Census in 2006 showed that about 3.8 million Americans are in commuter marriages, a 30% increase since 2000. And one driver of that trend, says Gregory Guldner, director of the Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships, is the perception that technology reduces the emotional separation of distance." In essence, people are more open to the idea of a long distance relationship because there are many new technologies that can "connect" them to their distanced lover.

But how do these distanced couples survive? To answer this question, I surveyed Jessenia, 26, who just celebrated her 2 year anniversary with her long distance boyfriend. She lives in New York City and her boyfriend lives in Miami. She said she uses a cell phone with camera, video, and video chat capabilities to stay connected to him. When asked why she thinks technology has helped foster her long distance relationship, she said, "It has definitetly made us last so long together during this distance because we can chat real time; (with iPhone 4 and Facetime) we see each other in real time and communicate very easily. If we didn't have technology the only way we would have any interaction would be through snail mail and that would not have made us stay together this long. We have tried to chat over the PC but that entails being stuck to a computer and a single, static location. So we only communicate through cell phone. We can share pictures amd videos of what's going around us and make the other person feel as if they are experiencing the moment with us. We also share online articles and youtube videos."

Jessenia's testimony shows that with new technologies, these two individuals can "experience the moment" and make each other feel like they are there with the other by sharing their surroundings with photos and videos sent via their cell phones. The ability to connect in this way is just one way that technology is aiding long distance relationships of all kinds, including romantic, friendships and even families.

Another prime example of a technology that is sustaining long distance relationships is Skype. "Skype (pronounced /skaɪp/) is a software application that allows users to make voice calls over the Internet. Calls to other users within the Skype service are free, while calls to both traditional landline telephones and mobile phones can be made for a fee using a debit-based user account system" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skype) Essentially, via two computers located anywhere in the world, a couple can communicate through video chat and have the ability to see their significant other while talking with them, which provides the feeling of "hanging out" and physically spending time together. Ley, who lives in Miami, says this is how her and her fiancé, who lives in Paris, survive on two different continents. And Skype is very often used for couples in which one half of the duo are fighting the war in Iraq or Afghanistan. Once only able to send hand-written letters to soldiers over seas which could take weeks, even months, to arrive, now couples can stay in touch in real time via Skype. This is an impressive advancement when you compare both communication venues: snail mail vs. video chatting.

Overall, I think technology has certainly helped couples who are not together physically stay together emotionally. Through the use of cell phones, computers and video tools, two people have more options than ever to stay connected and feel like they are apart of somebody's life on a whole new level.

However, I'll leave you with one question to ponder on this topic: do new technologies actually help long distance relationships be more successful or do they simply make it more bearable? Again referencing the aforementioned article above (Love Tech Goes the Distance), "But while innovations like e-mail, video chatting, instant messaging, Twitter and Second Life have increased the volume of Internet chatter, they haven't necessarily made long-distance relationships any more successful, Guldner says. Communication's quality, he says, has always meant more than its frequency.

'Information technology has definitely led people to believe that long-distance relationships will work more than in the past,' says Guldner. 'Whether that's true is the big question we're dealing with right now.' "

What do you think?

Online Dating: Opportunity or Scam?

Subtitle: This post will discuss online dating and some of the implications that result from courting with this type of new media.

We've all seen the movies from the "classic" times; a young man falls in love with a young woman, and he jumps through all sorts of hoops to get her attention, leaving letters for her to read and doing sweet things to win her affection. In their day, those were the tools they had to utilize to gain someone's affection. Fast forward 80 years and now you have cell phones, laptops, Facebook, and many other vehicles to express affection for another, whether romantic or platonic. The first of these new media technologies I will discuss as it relates to courting is Online Dating (eharmony.com, match.com, etc.) and its implications. Here is an excellent article in which the NY Times discusses Online Dating and the science behind it (http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/29/science/29tier.html).

In the article, Dr. Buckwalter, a psychologist who had previously been a research professor at the University of Southern California, asserts that online dating works because it matches personality similarities and diminishes the differences between partners that can often lead to arguments and disagreements. “We’re not looking for clones, but our models emphasize similarities in personality and in values,” Dr. Buckwalter said. “It’s fairly common that differences can initially be appealing, but they’re not so cute after two years. If you have someone who’s Type A and real hard charging, put them with someone else like that. It’s just much easier for people to relate if they don’t have to negotiate all these differences.”

Online dating has spread like wildfire. Once considered awkward and potentially dangerous, online dating is now a popular tool in the hunt for everlasting love. But is it? I think online dating has merit: there is a system that pairs you with like-minded individuals and matches you based on a set of criteria that you have deemed "important." Then on a daily basis, these matches are delivered to you via an online interface and you are able to communicate with these people using set communication steps that are established by the online service you use. Sounds like a great way to meet people that have common interests! But has it made it "too easy" for guys and girls to engage in communications with multiple people, taking away the element of enabling a "committed relationship"? It's right there, you are more than welcome to have communications with multiple matches at one time, and it's not like the different matches know about each other. Or do they?

This week, my girl friend (we'll call her B), who subscribes to eharmony, had an experience with online dating that she would sure like to forget, and for sure has made her a cynic from here on out. She had been using eharmony for about a month. She started talking with two individuals, we'll call them T and R. After going through the motions, she went out on a date with T, who was very nice but just didn't have what she was looking for in terms of a mate. Then she went on a date with R, with whom she felt much more compatible with. She went out with R multiple times and was really starting to think that this could go somewhere. Enter B's girl friend P whom she had convinced to join eharmony after a string of bad dating incidents. B and P had been exchanging eharmony stories and sharing their experiences, so much so that B showed P the profile and pictures of R to show her friend how much he had going for him, how cute he was, etc. (Girls love their girlfriend's opinion when it comes to guys). B had told P to great length about R and how well things were going. So one night, P goes onto her eharmony to check out some recent communications that had been delivered, and wouldn't you know: R had requested communication! P was floored. For one, she was starting to think that R was a nice guy, so happy for her friend B who seemed happy. And now she had to have that awkward communication with her friend and say, "So R is apparently still on the market and actively searching..." much to her dismay.

This is just one example of the implications of new media as it relates to courting in the 21st century. Individuals now have SO many options when it comes to dating that how does one know when they are "the one" for someone else or just "one of many"? Do you think R would have had the ability to court 2, 3 or 10 different ladies at once with only a pen and paper? Another question that the NY Times article above brings up is this notion of "knowing what you want" and when it comes to love, can we write down a list of "wants" and when that person arrives know they are your Prince Charming? “They think they know what they want,” Dr. Finkel said in the above NY Times article. “But meeting somebody who possesses the characteristics they claim are so important is much less inspiring than they would have predicted.”