Facebook: The Official Referee for Relationships?

Subtitle: This blog will discuss a growing trend that your relationship "isn't official until it's on Facebook" and whether this has any merit.

I was driving home from the gym the other day when a caller was aired on 92.3 NOW saying this: "My friend told me that my relationship with my boyfriend wasn't official because it wasn't on Facebook." And of course, this sparked a lengthy debate all across the tri-state arguing whether this was actually true or not. There were so many callers that wanted to ring in on this debate that it became clear that this is obviously a hot topic. People feel very strongly about this. So it made me think: is Facebook the new relationship referee?

I took to my own Facebook page to see what people thought of this notion and let me tell you, I had my own debate to referee because the truth is, it is a subject that so many people can not only relate to but have experienced personally. The comments I received were mixed; here is a sample of some of the responses. Which one do you agree with?

"Depends of the person, I don't think Facebook makes ur relationship official, just exposes the fact u r in one to the people u r not that close with that wouldn't know u r in one without Facebook, besides there's a lot of guys that don't have Facebook to do the whole in a relationship with thing"

So this response disagrees with the post but ackowledges the fact that Facebook does play a part in relationships, to communicate with people you are not so close with that you are in a relationship. My response would be: why do they need to know?

Next:

"no doubt. You need to announce that on FB. Same goes for breaking up to. lol so stupid"

This one says Facebook is important to solidify not only that you are in a relationship but also when your current one is over. Interesting.

The Next:

"While I agree that it is a little ridiculous that it has come down to that, it's been my experience that the guys that have a problem with "acknowledging" their relationship on facebook or who aren't FB "friends" with their girlfriend have something to hide, whatever it may be. They will of course come up with reasons for it, like why it's "dumb" because FB doesn't mean anything. If it doesn't mean much then why do you care if people know you're with that person?! You should be proud!"

Of all the responses I received, I personally agree with this one most, but then again, I'm a hopeless romantic in a high-tech digital world. But the notion here is that the reason Facebook relationship statuses have become so important is because of Facebook itself! It's well documented that Facebook has increased the temptation and therefore the act of cheating because it is so easy to flirt and find previous flames behind your current lover's back. But if you show in your profile that you are "in a relationship" then you can't use Facebook to creep. I also agree with this because you should be proud to show off your partner! I have to say that when I started my current relationship, I couldn't WAIT to change my relationship status on Facebook; I wanted the whole world to know that I was with this person and that I was happy.

Then I got a link to the following video, which was the perfect move to add some levity to a serious debate. Thanks Naz!

"It's official on Facebook, it's official in my book, you may now kiss the bride."

Then I got the first official "I don't agree post" with the following:

"TOTALLY don't agree... there can be many reasons why people want to keep their personal lives just that "personal" (I know folks who are married (and talk about being married on FB) but don't "share"... I even know folks who don't even contact their "other" or talk about them on FB.. yet they are still TOTALLY with them (aka married w kids)... I, for example am job hunting... employers may look at FB. I don't need any "entanglements". i also don't want anything mushy or unprofessional... the other is very basic- personal privacy.it's your right.. .Just bc you talk to your server at a restaurant doesn't mean he/she needs to know your relationship status.. it's a matter of personal preference.. honestly there is nothing wrong with it but no NEED for FB to dictate fully describe your personal life. (BTW i have done both...)"

This response has many valid points, and frankly, a well said argument for the other side. Some people want their personal life to remain personal and there is nothing wrong with that! As long as this (ie: professional or desire for privacy) is the reason for shunning the Facebook status and not foul play then I can't disagree. It comes down to a personal preference.

And the rebuttal which brought the discussion to a close:

"I agree that it is strange if someone doesn't acknowledge a personal relationship on Facebook (more specifically a marriage)... If some is married to you offline why would you not acknowledge that in your online life. While dating relationships all can range in seriousness or commitment levels (and someone may not want to be "in a relationship" on FB).. .marriage is a legal bond. If you can't acknowledge that online...then something is off."

And with that I am once again in agreement for Pro Facebook on relationship statuses.

I purposely posted these responses because I think it is important to understand that this is a real world topic of dispute and issues like these are surrounding us on a daily basis. While some have their arguments against technology and prefer an old-fashioned basis of communication, the idea is that technology is going to get even more advanced and new issues surrounding our every day lives, including dating and relationships, are going to face new challenges. When I was a young teenager, the relationship phenomenon was chatting online. Remember going into chat rooms and typing "A/S/L"? Or having an argument with your boyfriend via IM (Instant Message)? The real question is: how can we utilize the given technologies to bring us closer instead of tearing us apart?

I, for one, am an advocate for the Facebook "in a relationship status." I knew my last serious relationship was over when my ex changed his status to "single" after a late night dispute, I knew a summer romance was not a real, committed relationship because he would not pledge his allegiance to me, on Facebook or in real life, and I knew my current relationship was real deal Holyfield when we made it "official on Facebook." I am proud to show the world that I am with him and continue to confirm that by posting pictures of us together, statuses which include what "we" are doing and friending his friends. The ironic thing is: while Facebook is an "online network" that some people scoff at, there are so many ways in which we can show our affection and commitment to someone on the site, sometimes in ways that are bigger and more important than face-to-face actions. Be proud to show the world your significant other, I know I am.

The Ex-Files: Strange Encounters of Former Flames

Subtitle: This blog will discuss the notion of "ex's" getting back in touch with you via various technological outlets and what should you do when this happens.

It never fails. You think things are going well with someone you are dating, there are hints that this other person actually likes you too and you begin to think that you two could actually forge a romantic relationship together and then the bomb: he or she stops calling, stops texting, stops all communication. If I didn't know better, I would think that person had fallen off of a cliff or been hit with a deadly case of salmonella. But that is rarely (if ever) the case. And then, like clockwork, months later you will get a random text message or phone call at 2 am. You rub your eyes to see who is calling and have a moment of "am I still sleeping?" when you see the name scrawled across your mobile device. Am I the only one who thinks, "what the hell is this person thinking?!"

While there may be legitimate cases when the "former flame " (who we will dub FF) had good reason for completely cutting off communication for what seems like no apparent reason, the majority of the cases are not such. While I remain baffled at the excuses for these occurrences, one thing never fails: they will always get back in touch with you. And for the most part, it's when you least expect it.

As I've eluded to in previous entries, the wide availability of communication technologies has aided our ability to "stay in touch," and as a consequence, to "get back in touch." FF's fall into the latter category. Before, when you thought about your ex, what could you do: write a letter, stop by their house, or call their house. But now, FF's have so many tools at their disposal that it takes little effort at all to contact a previous love interest. The two most common methods currently are Facebook and Text messages. Let's be honest. A phone call is too commitment oriented: if the person you are trying to reach actually picks up the phone, then you have to talk to them. And who knows for how long, catching up on all the latest in your daily lives including your new-found vow to never eat beef or his "I've become a gym rat" rant. Sounds like fun. But with a text or Facebook message, the FF can communicate the fact that they are interested in "talking" again but if you don't write back, no big deal. It's pretty much saying, "let me text this girl, maybe that will get me back in," as apposed to, "I really want to talk to this girl, I've missed her and want her back in my life." The message communicated is completely different.

So what do you do when a FF contacts you out of the blue? The first and most important thing is to evaluate your situation. If you take a look at where you are now post-FF, you can decide whether or not you even want to cross that bridge again. Let's say since then, you have found the most wonderful man and you are in a committed relationship, the last thing you want to do is lose that person over a FF who doesn't even have the cojones to tell you straight up "this isn't going anywhere" and instead becomes mute. So your choice in type of response and the tone of that message is going to differ from someone who say, might still have feelings for the FF. Now let's say you are part of the latter group. You really didn't know what happened to cause the disappearance, you were growing strong feelings for them and wished the relationship had developed, then I would say analyze the context of the communication and take it from there. If he sends you a text message at 2 am saying, "come over and snuggle" after not talking for months, I would tell them to get lost. But if they send you a message during the day (or sober hours as I like to call them) saying, "I've really missed you and would love to get together for coffee one day," well, there might be something to talk about. It all depends on what your expected outcome of the situation is as to how you should respond, if at all.

I had my own encounter of a FF recently. As you all know, I am now a TMF (taken mobile female) and I couldn't be happier. So when I received the 2 am "drunk text" from a FF, you can be sure my priority was clear and was communicated as such through my messages. He said he missed me and was sorry he had screwed up, and even back-handedly asked me to come see him at that ungodly hour of the night. So my response back was simple but firm: "I have a boyfriend now." He sent one more message, I didn't respond and that was the end of that. My message was clear: I am not interested in you or your communication.

Why am I telling you this? I see so many people, guys and girls, that even though they are in a committed relationship and vow that they are happy, that would entertain such a conversation. My question to them is: why? If you are happily together with someone else, then why do you care whether an FF is sorry, and really liked you and wants to talk NOW even though before they did not? And time after time, you hear about relationships ending because of talking with ex or as simply as entertaining the conversation, because what that shows is that you are not over that person or are not completely happy with your new partner. I say: have conviction. Know what you want and what you don't, and don't be afraid to tell others just that. You don't want to lose something you love because you're afraid to stand up to someone that you USE to have feelings for.

My advice to you is this: follow your heart. And most of all: be smart. You have to remember that with all of the options out there, FF's have so many ways to get back in touch with you, and sometimes (in my opinion) it's too easy. Sometimes it's nice to catch up and see how someone is doing, especially if that someone was an important part of your life. But if they disappeared with no valid reason why, then I believe they need to do some work before gaining access back into your heart. Don't automatically "buzz them up" just because they ring your bell, if you know what I mean... In the world of technology overkill, it is now up to us to analyze our communications more deeply to get to the true value and meaning. Because let's face it, while no one likes to be on the losing end of an MIA lover, you certainly don't want to be the "drunk dial recipient" at 2 am.

Electronic Enchantment: The Pros and Cons of Technology and its Effects on Dating in Today's World

Subtitle: This blog post will discuss the affects of modern technology, namely computers and the World Wide Web, on dating in the 21st century and sort out some of the pros and cons.

At least 365 million people in the world own a computer! That is a lot of people that have access to this modern technology. So how has the increase of computer usage over the last 20 years affected our dating culture in the 21st century? How has it made it better or worse, easier or harder?

In my first blog post about Online Dating, I brought up the notion of "ease of access." Online dating, along with social networks such as Facebook, MySpace and Plenty of Fish, all make communicating with romantic prospects so easy that as long as you have a desire to talk to someone, you can pretty much make it happen. Obviously this is a great thing because now, more than ever, the ability to get to know someone and learn about them on a deeper level is facilitated through the computer. And this especially helps people that may be shy in person to express who they truly are in a setting that they are comfortable with, be it through email, Instant Messaging or Skype. On the flip side, if we have instant access to anyone we want at any time, doesn't that take away the fun of "the chase?" It's a proven fact that humans have a desire for things we can't have, call it the nature of the hunt, or the passion of challenge, we like to go after things that we don't already have. Jobs, clothes, cars and even lovers. So if we can reach a romantic interest at any time, does that decrease our desirability of that person?

Overall, the computer has given us the ability to connect with our lovers on a more rounded sphere. While we are at work, we can exchange emails throughout the day. If we are apart, we can post sweet messages on the other person's Facebook wall, we can even send instant messages to them if both parties are online at the same time. To me, this is the greatest advantage of all. There really is no excuse not to stay in touch with someone you care about. And it also provides people with alternate ways to express their feelings. I have to say, I love the ability to express myself through written words (I'm sure that is hard to tell from this blog series). For me, it is very difficult to express my feelings in words, good or bad, especially if it is a confrontation like a fight or an argument. For me, it is better to get my feelings out in a letter or journal post, and the computer helps me do this because I can type as fast as I think where as writing in a journal is too slow to capture all of the thoughts flowing through my head. From there, whether or not I send or share that document with the other is irrelevant, my thoughts are organized and in one place and now I can have the necessary conversation without feeling like my emotions are all over the place. But while this method works for me, I've had people tell me that this is "cowardly" or an "immature" way to express my feelings. Obviously, it never worked out with those people because they couldn't understand something that was rather important to me ;)

Computers and the world wide web also have the ability to bring two people together that may not have met in person. A friend of mine told me the story of how her and her boyfriend met: Her boyfriend had posted a personal ad on a site called CraigsList.org in the Personals section. My friend saw his listing and liked certain aspects of it and decided to contact him. They had communicated for a week or so via email and decided to meet in person to see if they had the chemistry in person that they did online. So they did. After an hour of misunderstanding (Chris thought she was someone else in the bar and he didn't like her as much but finally after the two were sitting at different parts of the bar, when they went to leave they figured out it was the other person in front of them that they were waiting for) they stuck it out and got to know each other in person that night. They've been together ever since and currently live together.

I am ever the optimist so I like to hear those kind of stories; it makes me believe everyone has a chance to be happy and in love. But there are cons to computer technology and its affects on love in our generation. One of the biggest is Facebook (and other social sites). There is more drama started through Facebook than any other method. And for those of us who use Facebook, how important is it to us for our significant other to have their relationship status as "In a Relationship." It's like without those 3 words located somewhere in our profiles, the relationship doesn't exist. And what about when breaking up- the relationship status is the final say. Once one person in the relationship takes off that status and puts single, that's when you know it's truly over. Really? This is how we "break up" nowadays?? This brings me to a great article that was sent to me about Facebook and how it can predict when you will break up. In the article titled, "Facebook knows when you'll break up," (which you can read here: http://www.cnn.com/2010/TECH/social.media/11/02/facebook.breakups/index.html?iref=NS1) a now well-known infographic shows the spike in Facebook "break ups" over the period of a year. It seems the most Facebook break ups are right after Valentine's Day (I guess she doesn't like that brand of chocolate after all...) and right before Spring Break (well, that one's a no brainer I guess), followed by the two week period before Christmas (talk about Mr. Grinch!). The safest day for relationships; the one day that had the lowest amount of break ups: Christmas Day. Well it truly is a miracle on 34th street.

Another con of online dating technology is the notion that you don't know who is actually sitting behind the other screen you are communicating with. We've all heard the horror stories that the 6 foot beautiful blonde you thought you were talking to turned out to be a 5 foot 6 inch bald man, or even worse, a criminal or sexual predator. The instances of online predators has become a serious issue in our day and age. Just a few weeks ago, a 14 year old girl in New Jersey alerted the authorities that the man she was talking to online (who turned out to be 48 years old) was threatening her and planning to find her physical location and do who-knows-what to her. These are the stories that make my skin crawl and make we want to take my Facebook Page down altogether.

But as with new technology, there is a new etiquette that everyone should follow when it comes to online romance and although they seem like common sense, everyone should follow these guidelines to ensure their own safety. Taken from a site called "Get the Facts" (http://www.getthefacts.health.wa.gov.au/2/26/1/online_romance.pm) which is geared towards young adults to provide information and support for sexual health and relationships in Western Australia (just goes to show you this is a GLOBAL issue, not just here in America), people should adhere to the following rules when it comes to online romance:

Here are some tips on how to meet people safely online:

• Make sure that only your friends can view your MySpace and Facebook profiles – you can do this by altering the security settings.
• Don't ever give out any personal information that could let the other person identify you, or your friends and family (like your real name and address, the name of your school or where you work, your mobile or home number). Use a new email account that doesn't contain your real name or any other personal information.
• On sites like MySpace and Facebook, only befriend people you know.
• Don't share photos.
• Listen to your instincts: you are right to be suspicious of people who change their stories, start sexual conversations and pressure you to send photos or meet in person.

When meeting a stranger face-to-face:

• Always meet in a public place, like a shopping centre or café. Ask the person what they will be wearing. Make sure you get there early so you can check out the person before they see you.
• Go with a friend, or group of friends. And tell your parent/s where you are going.
• Know how you're going to get home before you get there: arrange for someone to pick you up, or take cash for the bus or train. And never get into a car with someone you've just met or someone you don't know very well.

I am all for communicating in new ways and getting to know people with the invention of new technologies, but I caution those who think their computer screen is the only way they are going to meet their Prince or Princess. Although it increases the chances you have of meeting someone and getting to know someone, nothing replaces instant chemistry when you just happen to meet the right person when you last expect it. Don't close out the idea that you can meet someone in person just because you are utilizing an online dating site. Remember that online romance is just one of the many ways you can meet someone so remain open to other venues when it comes to connecting with someone. Life can surprise you all the time so if you are open to it, you just never know how things will end up.