Burning the Midnight Oil with Cellular Energy

Subtitle: A revisit of the long-distance relationship and how technology is helping my own LDR survive the test of distance and time.

When I wrote the first article on long-distance relationships and how improved technologies aide in their success, I was a single mobile female. Since that time, I have been "taken off the market;" surprisingly without modern technology but rather a twist of fate and a common interest in football and pizza (who knew?). So I am officially in a LDR. At first it didn't feel like it was "distanced" so much, likely due to the holidays and extra days off which means extra lovey-dovey time. But now it is starting to hit me. The late night phone calls, the email exchanges, this is how we communicate throughout the days that we are not together in order to feel like we actually are together. And while most days these interactions fill the desire for that other person's affection and company, there are nights (like tonight) that nothing can replace the feeling of a warm body and snuggling on the couch.

But we power through. We fall asleep on these nights with the help of a favorite TV show or perhaps some internet browsing or an old DVD; anything to distract us from the present moment of solidarity. I have to say, I have caught up on every single one of my TV shows (GLEE, Big Bang Theory, Man Men, my guilty pleasures) and am ready to tackle some new series that I have been told I need to get into (Dexter?!). Despite this description, which may paint the picture of unrest or discomfort (quite the opposite!) our relationship is going strong. In fact, it's better than going strong, it is kicking ass in the world's strongest man competition. I couldn't be happier with my romantic situation as it currently stands.

But it raises the question in my mind: would our relationship be as healthy and happy as it is given the 3 hour distance between us if we didn't have these technologies to keep us connected?

My first response would be: NO! Without a doubt. If I couldn't talk to him throughout the day, hear his voice and the jokes he tells me to make me laugh, I wouldn't feel as close to him. Thanks to our cell phones, he's the first person I talk to when I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep. We stay in touch between phone calls with text messages of quick updates and scheduling ideas. And emails in the intermittent to plan out our calendar and social events we have coming up. Without these technologies, I would feel disconnected. I would literally feel 3 hours away while now I feel like he could be next door. It brings us together. The use of these technologies in our relationship makes us better communicators; it enables us to share our feelings about the other person, which comforts us while we are not together. Because we are not talking face-to-face, we are able to improve on the clearness, accuracy, and the quality of tone and reflection in our voices. Overall, we are better communicators; individually and for each other.

Personally, I find it easier to discuss my emotions in this way. I'm sure this is mostly because I feel I can be open and completely myself with him. But overall, I haven't had trouble discussing the way I feel or my emotions toward our relationship like I normally do. We talk about things in all different ways that even when we are together I have an easier time communicating with him how I feel and how happy I am. I find that the breadth and variance in the technologies available have created a better communicator within myself when it comes to the discussion of emotions and emotionally charged situations.

Our goal is to change this from a LDR to a "we live in the same state" relationship. When? We don't know exactly. But we are hoping in the next 3 months. If there is one thing I have to say to about LDRs it is this: if you can make it through the time apart, then the time together should be a blessing and a breeze.

And so, I leave you with this: Dave Matthews Band music video for "You and Me," in tribute to my own LDR. Boyfriend posted this video on my Facebook wall one day because it reminds him of me and that "together, we can do, anything, anything."

Quality over Quantity: A Communication Lesson

Subtitle: There are so many communication resources available to us which aid in connecting us to people in our lives, but does this replace or substitute for quality communication? In this blog, I will debate the quality over quantity issue as it relates to romantic communication.

Quality over quantity: I can't tell you how many times I've used this saying in my life. It seems to fit in every situation I can think of. Cake. Travel. Romance. And yes, Communication. We've all been there: sitting across from someone on a first date, wondering when the conversation is going to improve or become stimulating at the very least. And then you finally get to the end and do a silent cheer in your head because it seems like a victory of sorts that you actually made it through. I've often left those dates thinking to myself, "how can someone be such a poor communicator and bring nothing to this table (literally!)" (I also leave craving a bottle of wine, but that's usually aided by my desire to drink away the last hour and a half and cuddle up with my dog who, believe it or not, is a much better communicator than some of these men). Dating in the 21st century is hard enough with the advent of cell phones, email and online dating, but who would have guessed that one of the most important factors in finding a mate is one that stands the test of time: communication.

Recently, a friend of mine called me venting about his "woman problems" and divulged the fact that he was thinking of calling it quits. It wasn't the distance between them (2 hours away), it wasn't the physical attributes of their relationship, it was the lack of meaningful conversation. And it got me thinking: even with so many technologies that help us stay in touch with a romantic partner, is it still possible that some people are simply not quality communicators? And if that is the case, how does one go through their life and not desire connectivity with a partner on a deeper level than baseball and the weather? For me, that's a deal breaker!

As I am transitioning from SMF (single mobile female) to TMF (taken mobile female), there are certain attributes in my mate that have become extremely important, if not imperative. And meaningful conversation is one of them. I don't care if it's a conversation over cell phone, email, Facebook, or text messages, I just need to feel connected to that person in a way that is continuously stimulating and meaningful. And don't get me wrong, we do talk about sports, Fantasy Football and going out drinking, but that is not ALL we talk about. We discuss our situation, where we stand, where we want to go and common goals and interests we have in life. These topics certainly don't monopolize our conversations, but we do talk about them, openly and honestly. Being able to share these innermost feelings and emotions with my romantic partner is the glue that keeps it together and frankly, what keeps me coming back for more.

So I make the case for you lovers out there: communicate with your partner in a meaningful way. Make an effort to be a part of not only their exterior lives but their interior thoughts as well. And this goes for yourself too; be interesting. Have something compelling and interesting to talk about. Bring up an interesting article that you read or question your partner on their stance of a political change that is on the horizon. Whatever you do, just make sure you are communicating first with quality, then with quantity.

Electronic Enchantment: The Pros and Cons of Technology and its Effects on Dating in Today's World

Subtitle: This blog post will discuss the affects of modern technology, namely computers and the World Wide Web, on dating in the 21st century and sort out some of the pros and cons.

At least 365 million people in the world own a computer! That is a lot of people that have access to this modern technology. So how has the increase of computer usage over the last 20 years affected our dating culture in the 21st century? How has it made it better or worse, easier or harder?

In my first blog post about Online Dating, I brought up the notion of "ease of access." Online dating, along with social networks such as Facebook, MySpace and Plenty of Fish, all make communicating with romantic prospects so easy that as long as you have a desire to talk to someone, you can pretty much make it happen. Obviously this is a great thing because now, more than ever, the ability to get to know someone and learn about them on a deeper level is facilitated through the computer. And this especially helps people that may be shy in person to express who they truly are in a setting that they are comfortable with, be it through email, Instant Messaging or Skype. On the flip side, if we have instant access to anyone we want at any time, doesn't that take away the fun of "the chase?" It's a proven fact that humans have a desire for things we can't have, call it the nature of the hunt, or the passion of challenge, we like to go after things that we don't already have. Jobs, clothes, cars and even lovers. So if we can reach a romantic interest at any time, does that decrease our desirability of that person?

Overall, the computer has given us the ability to connect with our lovers on a more rounded sphere. While we are at work, we can exchange emails throughout the day. If we are apart, we can post sweet messages on the other person's Facebook wall, we can even send instant messages to them if both parties are online at the same time. To me, this is the greatest advantage of all. There really is no excuse not to stay in touch with someone you care about. And it also provides people with alternate ways to express their feelings. I have to say, I love the ability to express myself through written words (I'm sure that is hard to tell from this blog series). For me, it is very difficult to express my feelings in words, good or bad, especially if it is a confrontation like a fight or an argument. For me, it is better to get my feelings out in a letter or journal post, and the computer helps me do this because I can type as fast as I think where as writing in a journal is too slow to capture all of the thoughts flowing through my head. From there, whether or not I send or share that document with the other is irrelevant, my thoughts are organized and in one place and now I can have the necessary conversation without feeling like my emotions are all over the place. But while this method works for me, I've had people tell me that this is "cowardly" or an "immature" way to express my feelings. Obviously, it never worked out with those people because they couldn't understand something that was rather important to me ;)

Computers and the world wide web also have the ability to bring two people together that may not have met in person. A friend of mine told me the story of how her and her boyfriend met: Her boyfriend had posted a personal ad on a site called CraigsList.org in the Personals section. My friend saw his listing and liked certain aspects of it and decided to contact him. They had communicated for a week or so via email and decided to meet in person to see if they had the chemistry in person that they did online. So they did. After an hour of misunderstanding (Chris thought she was someone else in the bar and he didn't like her as much but finally after the two were sitting at different parts of the bar, when they went to leave they figured out it was the other person in front of them that they were waiting for) they stuck it out and got to know each other in person that night. They've been together ever since and currently live together.

I am ever the optimist so I like to hear those kind of stories; it makes me believe everyone has a chance to be happy and in love. But there are cons to computer technology and its affects on love in our generation. One of the biggest is Facebook (and other social sites). There is more drama started through Facebook than any other method. And for those of us who use Facebook, how important is it to us for our significant other to have their relationship status as "In a Relationship." It's like without those 3 words located somewhere in our profiles, the relationship doesn't exist. And what about when breaking up- the relationship status is the final say. Once one person in the relationship takes off that status and puts single, that's when you know it's truly over. Really? This is how we "break up" nowadays?? This brings me to a great article that was sent to me about Facebook and how it can predict when you will break up. In the article titled, "Facebook knows when you'll break up," (which you can read here: http://www.cnn.com/2010/TECH/social.media/11/02/facebook.breakups/index.html?iref=NS1) a now well-known infographic shows the spike in Facebook "break ups" over the period of a year. It seems the most Facebook break ups are right after Valentine's Day (I guess she doesn't like that brand of chocolate after all...) and right before Spring Break (well, that one's a no brainer I guess), followed by the two week period before Christmas (talk about Mr. Grinch!). The safest day for relationships; the one day that had the lowest amount of break ups: Christmas Day. Well it truly is a miracle on 34th street.

Another con of online dating technology is the notion that you don't know who is actually sitting behind the other screen you are communicating with. We've all heard the horror stories that the 6 foot beautiful blonde you thought you were talking to turned out to be a 5 foot 6 inch bald man, or even worse, a criminal or sexual predator. The instances of online predators has become a serious issue in our day and age. Just a few weeks ago, a 14 year old girl in New Jersey alerted the authorities that the man she was talking to online (who turned out to be 48 years old) was threatening her and planning to find her physical location and do who-knows-what to her. These are the stories that make my skin crawl and make we want to take my Facebook Page down altogether.

But as with new technology, there is a new etiquette that everyone should follow when it comes to online romance and although they seem like common sense, everyone should follow these guidelines to ensure their own safety. Taken from a site called "Get the Facts" (http://www.getthefacts.health.wa.gov.au/2/26/1/online_romance.pm) which is geared towards young adults to provide information and support for sexual health and relationships in Western Australia (just goes to show you this is a GLOBAL issue, not just here in America), people should adhere to the following rules when it comes to online romance:

Here are some tips on how to meet people safely online:

• Make sure that only your friends can view your MySpace and Facebook profiles – you can do this by altering the security settings.
• Don't ever give out any personal information that could let the other person identify you, or your friends and family (like your real name and address, the name of your school or where you work, your mobile or home number). Use a new email account that doesn't contain your real name or any other personal information.
• On sites like MySpace and Facebook, only befriend people you know.
• Don't share photos.
• Listen to your instincts: you are right to be suspicious of people who change their stories, start sexual conversations and pressure you to send photos or meet in person.

When meeting a stranger face-to-face:

• Always meet in a public place, like a shopping centre or café. Ask the person what they will be wearing. Make sure you get there early so you can check out the person before they see you.
• Go with a friend, or group of friends. And tell your parent/s where you are going.
• Know how you're going to get home before you get there: arrange for someone to pick you up, or take cash for the bus or train. And never get into a car with someone you've just met or someone you don't know very well.

I am all for communicating in new ways and getting to know people with the invention of new technologies, but I caution those who think their computer screen is the only way they are going to meet their Prince or Princess. Although it increases the chances you have of meeting someone and getting to know someone, nothing replaces instant chemistry when you just happen to meet the right person when you last expect it. Don't close out the idea that you can meet someone in person just because you are utilizing an online dating site. Remember that online romance is just one of the many ways you can meet someone so remain open to other venues when it comes to connecting with someone. Life can surprise you all the time so if you are open to it, you just never know how things will end up.