The Ex-Files: Strange Encounters of Former Flames

Subtitle: This blog will discuss the notion of "ex's" getting back in touch with you via various technological outlets and what should you do when this happens.

It never fails. You think things are going well with someone you are dating, there are hints that this other person actually likes you too and you begin to think that you two could actually forge a romantic relationship together and then the bomb: he or she stops calling, stops texting, stops all communication. If I didn't know better, I would think that person had fallen off of a cliff or been hit with a deadly case of salmonella. But that is rarely (if ever) the case. And then, like clockwork, months later you will get a random text message or phone call at 2 am. You rub your eyes to see who is calling and have a moment of "am I still sleeping?" when you see the name scrawled across your mobile device. Am I the only one who thinks, "what the hell is this person thinking?!"

While there may be legitimate cases when the "former flame " (who we will dub FF) had good reason for completely cutting off communication for what seems like no apparent reason, the majority of the cases are not such. While I remain baffled at the excuses for these occurrences, one thing never fails: they will always get back in touch with you. And for the most part, it's when you least expect it.

As I've eluded to in previous entries, the wide availability of communication technologies has aided our ability to "stay in touch," and as a consequence, to "get back in touch." FF's fall into the latter category. Before, when you thought about your ex, what could you do: write a letter, stop by their house, or call their house. But now, FF's have so many tools at their disposal that it takes little effort at all to contact a previous love interest. The two most common methods currently are Facebook and Text messages. Let's be honest. A phone call is too commitment oriented: if the person you are trying to reach actually picks up the phone, then you have to talk to them. And who knows for how long, catching up on all the latest in your daily lives including your new-found vow to never eat beef or his "I've become a gym rat" rant. Sounds like fun. But with a text or Facebook message, the FF can communicate the fact that they are interested in "talking" again but if you don't write back, no big deal. It's pretty much saying, "let me text this girl, maybe that will get me back in," as apposed to, "I really want to talk to this girl, I've missed her and want her back in my life." The message communicated is completely different.

So what do you do when a FF contacts you out of the blue? The first and most important thing is to evaluate your situation. If you take a look at where you are now post-FF, you can decide whether or not you even want to cross that bridge again. Let's say since then, you have found the most wonderful man and you are in a committed relationship, the last thing you want to do is lose that person over a FF who doesn't even have the cojones to tell you straight up "this isn't going anywhere" and instead becomes mute. So your choice in type of response and the tone of that message is going to differ from someone who say, might still have feelings for the FF. Now let's say you are part of the latter group. You really didn't know what happened to cause the disappearance, you were growing strong feelings for them and wished the relationship had developed, then I would say analyze the context of the communication and take it from there. If he sends you a text message at 2 am saying, "come over and snuggle" after not talking for months, I would tell them to get lost. But if they send you a message during the day (or sober hours as I like to call them) saying, "I've really missed you and would love to get together for coffee one day," well, there might be something to talk about. It all depends on what your expected outcome of the situation is as to how you should respond, if at all.

I had my own encounter of a FF recently. As you all know, I am now a TMF (taken mobile female) and I couldn't be happier. So when I received the 2 am "drunk text" from a FF, you can be sure my priority was clear and was communicated as such through my messages. He said he missed me and was sorry he had screwed up, and even back-handedly asked me to come see him at that ungodly hour of the night. So my response back was simple but firm: "I have a boyfriend now." He sent one more message, I didn't respond and that was the end of that. My message was clear: I am not interested in you or your communication.

Why am I telling you this? I see so many people, guys and girls, that even though they are in a committed relationship and vow that they are happy, that would entertain such a conversation. My question to them is: why? If you are happily together with someone else, then why do you care whether an FF is sorry, and really liked you and wants to talk NOW even though before they did not? And time after time, you hear about relationships ending because of talking with ex or as simply as entertaining the conversation, because what that shows is that you are not over that person or are not completely happy with your new partner. I say: have conviction. Know what you want and what you don't, and don't be afraid to tell others just that. You don't want to lose something you love because you're afraid to stand up to someone that you USE to have feelings for.

My advice to you is this: follow your heart. And most of all: be smart. You have to remember that with all of the options out there, FF's have so many ways to get back in touch with you, and sometimes (in my opinion) it's too easy. Sometimes it's nice to catch up and see how someone is doing, especially if that someone was an important part of your life. But if they disappeared with no valid reason why, then I believe they need to do some work before gaining access back into your heart. Don't automatically "buzz them up" just because they ring your bell, if you know what I mean... In the world of technology overkill, it is now up to us to analyze our communications more deeply to get to the true value and meaning. Because let's face it, while no one likes to be on the losing end of an MIA lover, you certainly don't want to be the "drunk dial recipient" at 2 am.

Short-Form Romance: Text Messaging and its Role in Current Dating Culture

Subtitle: This blog post will discuss how text messaging is used in today's dating culture and the benefits and drawbacks of using this form of communication as it relates to courting.

Text messaging has widely become one of the most utilized forms of communication in today’s technologically advanced world. And this fares no differently for the dating scene. But how appropriate is it to express your affection for someone in 120 characters or less? This is a topic that I am personally conflicted about. I have to admit: I am an avid texter. It’s not that I don’t like phone calls, but I find text messages so quick and efficient. When you are on the phone with someone, it is hard to do anything else without being completely obvious that you are not paying attention to them and only them. With text messaging, I can have multiple conversations running at a time and still be doing other things like working, writing emails, or even doing the laundry. But in my own dating adventures, I still find myself saying, “I wish he would actually pick up the phone and call me,” because there is something unique about hearing someone’s voice, their laugh, or their jokes that just can’t be replaced with a short-form scribe.

As a topic that not only interests me but perplexes me on a daily basis, I decided to poll some friends to see what their opinions were on text messages as it relates to dating. Sean, 27, brought up a really great point when he said, “Text message has created immediacy. I can contact my person of interest at any time during the day.” In this way, texting has created an on-going conversation with a potential mate, spouse or loved one that keeps the pair in touch all day long. We no longer have to wait for a phone call to see what the other is doing; we can send a quick text message to update the other on our status. I can concur that this is a nice touch; I love getting those mid-afternoon text messages that say, “How is your day going?” It’s nice to know that someone is thinking about me and is interested in knowing how I am fairing with life that day.

It would be fair to say that texting is an important part of the communication tools that one has to utilize on a daily basis, so much so there is almost an “alternate language” that has been created. Jeff, 30, said, “Texting has become such a dominant form of communication that we even invented emoticons to emulate facial expressions to express inner feelings.” The emoticons he refers to are the “:-)” symbols to express smiling or happy, “:-(“ to express sad or disappointed, etc. It really is incredible the things that humans have come up with in order to connect to other human beings, to express emotion even if they are not face to face. Further, Jeff noted that, “Text messaging brings out peoples’ characteristics that normally they may be too shy to show, in a way taking away insecurities. Text messaging takes away the element of communication apprehension.” In this way, people are able to “be more like themselves” without the fear of messing up a phone conversation with awkward moments.

Text messaging has quickly become a favorite form of communication for people, even when it comes to dating. Whatever their reason is, it has become an accepted “norm” in our courting culture. However, there are some boundaries that I personally think should be followed, which are summed up nicely in this article titled, “Dating Tips 101: Text Messaging in Relationships” which you can read here: http://www.examiner.com/sex-and-dating-in-phoenix/dating-tips-101-text-messaging-relationships

But even I, who vows to love text messaging for the ease and convenience of it, am a walking contradiction when it comes to dating and texting. What about the fact that it’s easier to hide things through text messages? Or the uneasy feeling I have of getting to know someone through characters versus actually hearing their voice and sharing a joke together over the phone? Call me old fashioned, but even in this technologically advanced world, nothing replaces the sound of that special someone’s voice that makes me grin from ear to ear.